Monday, September 28, 2009

Ooook, The Haunted Airman

So, I watched it. It being The Haunted Airman, starring pretty pretty Rob Pattinson. It wasn't terrible. It was..well...a head scratcher.  The most baffling point being why this was rated R? Does the BBC rate things FAR differently than the MPAA? The scariest part of this movie was the idea of a world where RPattz can't function from the waist down.

Let's examine the pros and cons of The Haunted Airman:

Too many spiders. Spiders crawling on Toby (RPattz) was the creepiest image in the entire movie. I generally hate spiders but them messing up that mug is even worse.

English subtitles I could not get rid of. English subtitles ON AN ENGLISH MOVIE.

The building is a seemingly neverending Escheresque maze of stairs, and yet Rob's character seems to navigate it with a wheelchair.

Yet another movie shot with filtered color. Will we ever see Rob in full Technicolor outside Goblet of Fire?

Toby's nickname is "Juggler", which just makes my inner 12 year old giggle.

Toby's creepy infatuation with his Aunt, only by marriage, yet still creepy.

The ending, which I won't spoil, left me with a seriously unsatisfied "whaaaaaa" feeling.

There is only one bathtub scene.


There is a bathtub scene.

There are several partially clothed massage scenes.

Lots of jaw porn...profile porn...hand porn...

The accent, OH the accent.

If the tobacco industry was smart they'd be using Rob for marketing. I've never seen anyone make a disgusting habit look more graceful or hot. It's so wrong, yet so right.

I eagerly await a period drama starring Rob. Between the voice, the accent, the face and the costumes, I'd be first in line.

Toby's relationship with his aunt, though creepy, is cougarlicious.

The entire movie is worth a watch just to watch Rob's mouth move. Several times I caught myself focusing on that instead of the plot (still trying to figure out exactly what the plot was anyway.)

Go ahead, pile these on your scales and decide if it's worth your time. I'm guessing if you're reading this though, 70 minutes of RPattz would probably get you through Weekend At Bernie's 2.

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