Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Sometimes The Packaging Needs It's Own Warning Label

Someone who knows me all too well got me this for Christmas:

I know, I know...who thought that was a good idea? But nevermind that, I'm leaving it in the packaging until I discover it's true destiny. Speaking of the packaging, can we discuss this? My first clue that something was amiss is right on the front. "For Ages 6 And Up." WHO IN GOD'S NAME WOULD PUT THIS IN THE HANDS OF A 6 YEAR OLD? People who hate that child's parents, that's who.

But that was just the beginning...then I turned it over.

Things start out straightforward enough: Hold upright. Do not shake. Press down firmly on cap. 
Good, clear directions.

Then it starts to get iffy.

Let your favorite team know you're rooting for them. Use while biking, jogging, camping.

A) Are those 2 stand alone statements or one strange statement? Maybe if you did less biking, jogging and camping on the sidelines of your favorite sport, less airhorn would be needed.

B) Why would you use this while camping? To scare bears away? To announce to your fellow campers "HEY! HEY! I veered off the trail to look at a bunny and got lost"? This is why I don't camp.

C) I don't know which is funnier, the idea of a a biker using this or a jogger using it to announce their presence to people in their way. Can't you just jog around them? I might take up jogging if it's airhorn sanctioned. (Stop laughing.)

Fits in purse, briefcase and glove compartment. Police Department recommended.
Attracts attention and is easy to use.

Generic Police Department recommended eh? I take this to mean I will not get in any sort of trouble should I choose to use it on annoying coworkers or fellow public transportation riders. Even if it's just to call them out on offenses. "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNK! PENALTY! ILLEGAL DOUBLE SEAT USAGE" "HOOOOOONNNNNK! PENALTY! OVERSIZED BACKPACK LEFT ON DURING RUSH HOUR AND ALL UP IN MY PERSONAL SPACE" "HOOOOOONNNNNK! GET YOUR OWN DAMN TONER CARTRIDGE"

So, thank you generous friend for my airhorn. Just imagine the fun once I open it.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Worst. Toy. Ever.

Things that make you go "hmmm"...and "wait, you're serious?" I find this right up on the top of that list.  Three words: Joan. Jett. Barbie. 

Three more words: What. The. Fuck.

At what point did someone think making one of the foremost female rockers, the "godmother of punk" into a BARBIE DOLL? I'm guessing it's someone who heard Britney Spears version of "I Love Rock 'n" Roll" while watching "Crossroad" (let's not dwell on how I know that). The same person probably wrote this copy:

Have you ever said (or sung) "I Love Rock 'n' Roll"? If so, you're gonna love this doll! An acclaimed guitarist and one of the greatest leading ladies of rock, Joan Jett is a legendary singer and songwriter. Featuring her look and rock 'n' roll spirit, the Joan Jett Barbie Doll is part of the Ladies of the '80s collection and a must-have for her many fans! Includes doll and guitar, and stands approximately 11 1/2-inches tall.

The warning labels make for far more interesting copy:

WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD-Small parts. Not for children under 3 years.
Ok, I can see that, little shoes and accessories.

WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD-Toy contains a small ball. Not for children under 3 years.
Wait. What? Where is there a small ball? PLEASE PLEASE let it come with a tiny ball gag! Now we're talking authenticity!

At least they didn't give Joan-doll Barbie's usual mythical proportions. Although something tells me the real Joan Jett would find THAT amusing.

However, it must be said...I think the Cyndi Lauper doll is pretty fantastic.

HER copy brings the giggles (and SCREAMS possibly drunk copywriter):
"Girls Just Want to Have Fun"… especially Cyndi Lauper! Cyndi is one of the foremost female singer/songwriters who left her mark on pop culture, and this Cyndi Lauper Barbie Doll really displays the popular singer's trend-setting fashion sense and spunk. She's part of the Barbie Ladies of the '80s collection. Have some fun of your own as you gaze admiringly at her "Time After Time"! Stands about 11 1/2-inches tall.

I want it for the hair alone. What can I say, I'm a mystery wrapper in an enigma coated with God knows what.

Both dolls can be found at http://www.entertainmentearth.com/ in the Barbie "Ladies of the 80's" collection. I DO have a birthday coming up. Just saying.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Kewl Yule

The 2,498,823rd time hearing "All I Want For Christmas (Is You)" have you feeling anything BUT jolly?
Try some of these slightly-off-the-radar holiday tunes!

"Come On Santa " - The Raveonettes
Still about the jiggly man in red, but dreamier, cooler

"The First Noel/Mary Mary" - Sarah McLachlan
McLachlan takes a traditional song and mixes it up with a world sound and a bluesy chaser

"The Twelve Pains Of Christmas" - Bob Rivers
Arguably the best of all River's Christmas parodies, a classic.

"Nuttin For Christmas" - Sugarland
Fun fact: Sugarland replaced all the names in the song with names of fellow Country singers

"What Christmas Means To Me" - Stevie Wonder
Stevie Wonder magic + Christmas magic = Awwwwwesome

"Funky, Funky Xmas" - New Kids On The Block
It's like the holiday cheese ball. You don't think you want it, but you'll eat it up!

"My Grown Up Christmas List" - Kelly Clarkson
Beautiful message...ok fine, I just wanted a Kelly Clarkson song

"Auld Lang Syne (Artist Medley)" - Sara Bareilles, Jim Bianco, Cary Brothers, Buddy, Holly Conlan, Marie Digby, Katie Herzig, Jesca Hoop, Laura Jansen, Tim Jones, Greg Laswell, Lenka, Anya Marina, Jonah Matranga, Ingrid Michaelson, Meiko, Joshua Radin, and Butch Walker
Haunting, gorgeous and features everyone under the sun

"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" - The Pretenders
My #1 fave Christmas song and who's cooler than the Pretenders?

"Underneath The Mistletoe" - Blondfire
I found this holiday EP by accident on  iTunes and I'm absolutely in love with it. Sweet & catchy

"Winter Wonderland" - Kate Havnevik
Listening to this version while actually walking in the snow is a sublime life experience

"Last Christmas" - Jimmy Eat World
I can't knock the original Wham version, but Jimmy Eat World hips it up a bit

"Christmas Piglet" - Presidents Of The United States of America
Just makes me laugh and shake like a bowl full of jelly

Hopefully these and some heavily spiked 'nog will get you through.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I Should Have Packed A Change Of Pants

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse will hit IMAX screens as well as conventional theaters on June 30th, 2010!

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Several stories of RPattz? YES PLEASE! That in addition to the sleeping bag scene and GOD WILLING the infamous leg hitch...things just got a little more interesting!

That release would be 202 days from now for those playing along at home.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

It's Going To Be A Long, Cold, Glee-less Winter

I'm thrilled Glee is a success and was picked up for a full season. I really am. However with this joy comes first the pain of a needed break to film the second half of the season. This means tomorrow is the last episode UNTIL APRIL.

I wrote a haiku to express my torment:

What? No Glee for months?
Drama queen within tells me
Just curl up and die.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

What's Gonna Work? TEEEAAAMWORK!

'Twilight' stars join forces to negotiate contracts :: CHICAGO SUN-TIMES :: Bill Zwecker

The holy Twi-nity sticks together. WEEE! Other reasons this is awesome, deals were already inked previously for 4 movies, meaning Breaking Dawn will almost certainly be TWO films (necessitating a contract for a 5th movie.)


Or not. Way to leave a girl hanging.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

World AIDS Day

Today I need to take a break from my usual snarkfest. December 1st is World AIDS Day. I first became involved with AIDS charities and movement when I was in high school and became a teen trainer for Stop AIDS. I've met amazing people, some still with us, some not...and World AIDS Day for me remains a day to reflect on how far we've come and how far there still is to run in this race. HIV is both preventable and treatable. It's no longer a death sentence here in the U.S. but for the infected in Africa, where the majority of new cases of HIV in the world still occur, those who can't access or afford treatment, the prognosis is far darker.

A few facts from Join Red:

  • 10% of the world’s pop is in Africa yet she's home to 67% of all HIV cases.
  • It costs around 40 cents a day for the 2 pills that are needed to help keep someone with HIV alive.
  • 33mm people in world have HIV. 22mm live in Africa.
HIV is treatable, not curable. There is still much to be done domestically and around the globe. Advances. Discoveries.

How you can help, today, without even trying:

Buy a handcrafted beverage at any participating Starbucks and they will donate $0.05 per drink to the Global Fund To Fight AIDS in Africa

Purchase anything from this GAP collection and half the profits go to the Global Fund To Fight AIDS

Go Red this holiday season: check out this list of Product RED gift items


image property of the Keith Haring Estate