Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Hidden Dangers Of Single Living

These are not new concerns. They've been covered by 30 Rock's Liz Lemon (choking, slipping in the tub). They brought about the end to a morbid fantasy in Bridget Jones's Diary (dying alone and being eaten by Alsatians). However, these hazards too often fall by the wayside. They are...

The Hidden Dangers Of Single Living

The likelihood of a pack of wild dogs roaming the city and getting past several doors to my third floor walkup may be slim but my daily life as a single woman, living alone is FRAUGHT WITH DANGER!

Deadly Delivery - Murphy's Law states that UPS will only make a delivery to my home at the very moment I am least prepared. I could spend hours sitting and waiting but the moment I decide to change and am sans pants, there's the buzzer. What to do? Ignore it and get stuck in tango of delivery slips back and forth and back and forth that I know will ultimately end up in a trip to the UPS center? OR, do I risk it...try to pull on the nearest bottom-type clothing while hopping to the door and scrambling down all those stairs to make it before the UPS man leaves? That scenario is just ripe for a broken neck.

Bedding Bedlam - One of life's greatest simple pleasures is fresh, clean bedding but the process is anything but simple for the single woman. Getting the pillowcases on all those pillows (regular, decorative pillow shams, body pillows, throw pillows) is exhausting. Follow that with the daunting task of getting the down comforter back in to the duvet cover is a recipe for disaster. If I were capable of the contortions needed to accomplish this in one quick move, I'm sure I'd have more people willing to make my bed for me. So instead, I have to half crawl inside to reach the far corners. One slipped step on a carelessly thrown shoe, bra or cat could mean a cracked skull on the corner of the dresser and my cat hasn't mastered 911. Yet.

Oops I Did It Again - The best way to nip a hangover in the bud is to eat something to soak up the booze before sleeping on it. After much (totally unscientific) research, pizza, with it's hearty protein and carb combination, is one of the best foods for this problem. However with all that booze sloshing around, even the best intentions can go awry. One moment the pizza is ready to go in the oven the next moment it's either 7 am and the oven has been on all night or it's 4 am and the smoke alarm is screaming about the pizza that has been abandoned in the oven. For these very reasons, I find it much safer to keep microwavable pizza rolls on hand although the trade off is waking up the next morning with a scorched mouth, throat and often chin. Impatience, drunkiness and little bombs of molten sauce and cheese make dangerous bedfellows.

A Jarring Experience - I want pickles. I have a jar of pickles. Life seems good. Fast-forward 10 minutes to me sweating, cursing, still struggling to open the #!@#)&$ jar. With that much pent up pickle frustration (that's what she said) it's all too easy for something in the forehead to just go POP.

Sometimes You Only Wish To Die - The same Murphy who wrote the UPS delivery Law (I really hate that guy) also states that attractive neighbors of the opposite sex will only appear in the laundry room at the same time as me when I am washing something I do not want them to see. Sure, nice enough people come and go whilst the towels and sheets are taking a tumble but the truly interesting people will only arrive at the time you are moving the...ahem..delicates from one place to the next. This neighbor will of course want to exchange pleasantries while I am trying to move at speeds I am not equipped with the grace to handle in order to conceal my armload of undies. I make it back to my apartment with a smug smile of satisfaction. I was cute but mysterious, I was a DELIGHT. 45 minutes later I return to fetch the troublesome bundle from the dryer only to find the Winnie The Pooh briefs I must have dropped layed out nicely on top of the dryer. It couldn't even have been the hot pink thong. Winnie. The. Pooh. Dying of embarrassment is an unlikely way of going but IT COULD HAPPEN!

This has been an Eyewitness Special Report. Now back to the studio...

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