Cheap A$$ Chic

Money and I don't get to party together very often, but I also don't do well sitting around just dreaming of things. Combine this with being raised to appreciate a bargain (trust me, I'll tell anyone that will listen when I get a deal, even if they're running in the opposite direction) and I've developed a certain knack for thrift.

So, in what may or may not become a regular feature...contigent on my attention span...allow me to introduce you to some of my fave deals and steals I've uncovered.

Let's start with music. If you read this blog or my tweets with any regularity (and you should be) you know that I'm...in a word...obsessed. However, cds ain't cheap and I know too many musicians who depend on music for their living to illegally download music without being wracked with guilt.  The only way around this was to find as many sources of free music as I could!

One Track Mind: Get a song (sometimes more than one) a day emailed right to you! It's the ultimate for lazy music lovers. You can also follow them on twitter @OneTrackTweet. I've received everything from indie bands on up to the majors although there is a secret satisfaction with latching on to a band early. If you miss anything, there are monthly rewinds available.

Free on iTunes: Every Tuesday iTunes releases it's new Single of the Week, Free Video and sometimes a Discovery Download. In the iTunes store, go to music and you'll see "Free On iTunes" in the menu on the far right. But that's not all! The single most useful app on Facebook (don't give me that Farmville face) is the "Free on iTunes" app. Here you will find redemption codes for 10, 20 even 30 song samplers available for free download. I can't tell you how many hundreds of dollars worth of music I've gotten with this app. Not all the songs will be your favorites but for free WHO CARES?

Amazon MP3s: Follow @amazonmp3 on twitter. No, seriously, do it right now. I'll wait.

*whistling*

Now that you are following them you probably don't need me to tell you about all the bargains you can snap up through them but I'm going to anyway. This is the place to be for their daily deals which are full albums, both new and classic, offered at DRASTICALLY reduced prices. Like $1.99 or $3.99. Crazy. They also tweet out when new free tracks are available. These are all limited time offers so you need to grab them quickly but you are rewarded for your efforts. Because I'm a swell person, I'll link you right to the free music on Amazon.com too.

There, that should keep you busy for awhile. Cheers to your eardrums! Don't forget, if in the midst of all this free music gluttony, you come across an artist you love...do them a solid and buy the whole album, concert ticket or maybe a t-shirt or cap.

The Olympic Spirit Will Probably Never Include Me

Whilst watching Olympic Ice Dancing last night (yes really) there was a pair from France that was retiring after these Games, after skating together since they were 9 years old, making last night's final their last competitive skate together. To mark the occasion the theme of their free skate was the story of their career.  It made me think, if I were in the same situation...what would MY theme be?

Easy. I would skate "The Story of Eighth Grade!"

My partner (who would look like this and would have harbored secret love for me since the first moment he saw me...of course)

Would be simply costumed in a pair of light wash Z Cavariccis

and a jacket that is both a wink & a nod to our home country (USA! USA!) and Arsenio Hall (WOOFWOOFWOOF)

I, on the otherhand, would require a costume of layered complexity.

One that reflected my conflict between my feelings for my skating partner and the other love in my life:

(except mine would be a Donnie shirt. Duh)

The bottom would add elements of style as well as danger:

One strap left down...naturally.

Finally everything would be capped off quite literally with a salute to Blossom:

We would skate to a medley of songs:

"If Wishes Came True" - Sweet Sensation

"Electric Youth" - Debbie Gibson (including our signature lift "The Hammer")

"I'll Be Loving You (Forever)" - New Kids On The Block

After our triumphant finale at center ice, my faithful partner would drop to one knee and proposes marriage.

I'd caress his face, kiss his cheek and whisper "I'll think about it,"

and begin my new career as an Olympic snowboarder.

I Bet You Think This Song Is About You

Actually, I WISH these songs were about me.


Jon McLaughlin - "Perfect"
Something about this song turns me uncharacteristically ooey gooey lovey dovey. Perhaps it's the line "And in this life if I could have one thing I don't deserve, then I have never wanted anybody else but her." Maybe it's just that I want someone to think I'm perfect. More than likely the latter.

Mika - "Blue Eyes"
How many times can a blue eyed blonde be subjected to "Brown Eyed Girl" before she throws a stabby jealous tantrum? Thanks to this song, the world may never know.

New Kids On The Block - "I'll Be Loving You (Forever)"
I have wanted this song to be about me since I was 13 years old. The desire is hardwired into my psyche as evidenced by the fact that after all these years I still remember "Forever" is parenthesized. To be quite honest, if I had any proof this song WAS about me, I'd put it on my resume.

P.S. Donnie I love you!

Parachute - "She (For Liz)"
People. My name is already in the song. The fact that I've never met anyone in the band Parachute means NOTHING. It could happen.

Eric Clapton - "Wonderful Tonight"
Lots of people have had songs of everlasting love written about them but how many people looked so SMOKING HOT one night that they had an iconic song written about it? This girl wants it. She wants it bad.

Jeff Buckley - "Everybody Here Wants You"
One of the sexiest songs ever written. Someone wrapping around you, whispering in your ear that everyone in the room wants you. Incredibly hot. At least until you stop and think how many people have done it to your song and then it starts to get a little creepy but STILL.

Van Morrison - "Into The Mystic"
I have NO IDEA what this song is actually about, I just think it would be really cool to be the inspiration behind it. Well...me and marijuana. Clearly.

Ray LaMontagne - any song he's ever done
I'm serious. Love song, break up song, songs about cigarettes...I don't care! I'm totally open, because Ray, even though your beard scares me more than a little bit, one song and I'm yours.


There you go kids...get to writing...you know where to find me.

Meh.

<insert witty blog type thing here>

I've got nothin' folks. Total blog blockage. I need Activia for my brain.

The Hidden Dangers Of Single Living

These are not new concerns. They've been covered by 30 Rock's Liz Lemon (choking, slipping in the tub). They brought about the end to a morbid fantasy in Bridget Jones's Diary (dying alone and being eaten by Alsatians). However, these hazards too often fall by the wayside. They are...

The Hidden Dangers Of Single Living

The likelihood of a pack of wild dogs roaming the city and getting past several doors to my third floor walkup may be slim but my daily life as a single woman, living alone is FRAUGHT WITH DANGER!

Deadly Delivery - Murphy's Law states that UPS will only make a delivery to my home at the very moment I am least prepared. I could spend hours sitting and waiting but the moment I decide to change and am sans pants, there's the buzzer. What to do? Ignore it and get stuck in tango of delivery slips back and forth and back and forth that I know will ultimately end up in a trip to the UPS center? OR, do I risk it...try to pull on the nearest bottom-type clothing while hopping to the door and scrambling down all those stairs to make it before the UPS man leaves? That scenario is just ripe for a broken neck.

Bedding Bedlam - One of life's greatest simple pleasures is fresh, clean bedding but the process is anything but simple for the single woman. Getting the pillowcases on all those pillows (regular, decorative pillow shams, body pillows, throw pillows) is exhausting. Follow that with the daunting task of getting the down comforter back in to the duvet cover is a recipe for disaster. If I were capable of the contortions needed to accomplish this in one quick move, I'm sure I'd have more people willing to make my bed for me. So instead, I have to half crawl inside to reach the far corners. One slipped step on a carelessly thrown shoe, bra or cat could mean a cracked skull on the corner of the dresser and my cat hasn't mastered 911. Yet.

Oops I Did It Again - The best way to nip a hangover in the bud is to eat something to soak up the booze before sleeping on it. After much (totally unscientific) research, pizza, with it's hearty protein and carb combination, is one of the best foods for this problem. However with all that booze sloshing around, even the best intentions can go awry. One moment the pizza is ready to go in the oven the next moment it's either 7 am and the oven has been on all night or it's 4 am and the smoke alarm is screaming about the pizza that has been abandoned in the oven. For these very reasons, I find it much safer to keep microwavable pizza rolls on hand although the trade off is waking up the next morning with a scorched mouth, throat and often chin. Impatience, drunkiness and little bombs of molten sauce and cheese make dangerous bedfellows.

A Jarring Experience - I want pickles. I have a jar of pickles. Life seems good. Fast-forward 10 minutes to me sweating, cursing, still struggling to open the #!@#)&$ jar. With that much pent up pickle frustration (that's what she said) it's all too easy for something in the forehead to just go POP.

Sometimes You Only Wish To Die - The same Murphy who wrote the UPS delivery Law (I really hate that guy) also states that attractive neighbors of the opposite sex will only appear in the laundry room at the same time as me when I am washing something I do not want them to see. Sure, nice enough people come and go whilst the towels and sheets are taking a tumble but the truly interesting people will only arrive at the time you are moving the...ahem..delicates from one place to the next. This neighbor will of course want to exchange pleasantries while I am trying to move at speeds I am not equipped with the grace to handle in order to conceal my armload of undies. I make it back to my apartment with a smug smile of satisfaction. I was cute but mysterious, I was a DELIGHT. 45 minutes later I return to fetch the troublesome bundle from the dryer only to find the Winnie The Pooh briefs I must have dropped layed out nicely on top of the dryer. It couldn't even have been the hot pink thong. Winnie. The. Pooh. Dying of embarrassment is an unlikely way of going but IT COULD HAPPEN!

This has been an Eyewitness Special Report. Now back to the studio...

Why It's Good To Have Friends With Mad Skillz

Because you get stuff like this for your birthday!

Much more SFW than the combo of Rob Pattinson and frosting I usually imagine.

I kind of rock the Bella hair don't I? And look smokin' with Rob. Now all I need is Kristin Stewart's body, boyfriend, professional hairstylist and an alternate universe!

Maybe next year.

Sometimes The Packaging Needs It's Own Warning Label

Someone who knows me all too well got me this for Christmas:

I know, I know...who thought that was a good idea? But nevermind that, I'm leaving it in the packaging until I discover it's true destiny. Speaking of the packaging, can we discuss this? My first clue that something was amiss is right on the front. "For Ages 6 And Up." WHO IN GOD'S NAME WOULD PUT THIS IN THE HANDS OF A 6 YEAR OLD? People who hate that child's parents, that's who.

But that was just the beginning...then I turned it over.

Things start out straightforward enough: Hold upright. Do not shake. Press down firmly on cap. 

Good, clear directions.

Then it starts to get iffy.

Let your favorite team know you're rooting for them. Use while biking, jogging, camping.

A) Are those 2 stand alone statements or one strange statement? Maybe if you did less biking, jogging and camping on the sidelines of your favorite sport, less airhorn would be needed.

B) Why would you use this while camping? To scare bears away? To announce to your fellow campers "HEY! HEY! I veered off the trail to look at a bunny and got lost"? This is why I don't camp.

C) I don't know which is funnier, the idea of a a biker using this or a jogger using it to announce their presence to people in their way. Can't you just jog around them? I might take up jogging if it's airhorn sanctioned. (Stop laughing.)

Fits in purse, briefcase and glove compartment. Police Department recommended.

Attracts attention and is easy to use.

Generic Police Department recommended eh? I take this to mean I will not get in any sort of trouble should I choose to use it on annoying coworkers or fellow public transportation riders. Even if it's just to call them out on offenses. "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNK! PENALTY! ILLEGAL DOUBLE SEAT USAGE" "HOOOOOONNNNNK! PENALTY! OVERSIZED BACKPACK LEFT ON DURING RUSH HOUR AND ALL UP IN MY PERSONAL SPACE" "HOOOOOONNNNNK! GET YOUR OWN DAMN TONER CARTRIDGE"

So, thank you generous friend for my airhorn. Just imagine the fun once I open it.